My Name is Bond, James Bond


James Bond talks….  An imaginary selfie

BOND IS BACK AGAIN…. and the latest Bond film, “Spectre”,  is certain to be an enormous box-office hit (as all the others). This is the twenty-fourth film about James Bond. He’s an astonishing guy…  he doesn’t look a year older than he did over fifty years ago. 

“My name is Bond. James Bond.

But you knew that already, didn’t you. Everyone knows that, which is rather a pity in ways. After all, I’m meant to be a secret agent, no-one’s really supposed to know who I am. I should just be James to my friends, and Bond to the rest. My bosses in London call me 007.

Still I don’t suppose it really matters if everyone knows who I am; I’m just proud to be the best, the most exciting and the most seductive agent in Her Majesty’s Secret Service.

Actually, I’ll let you into a secret. It’s not surprising I’m such a good agent — I’ve got so much experience; you know, I’ve been in the job since 1952. Not bad, eh! It’s obviously good for the health, this job, because I don’t look or feel a day older than I did when I first joined up just after the Second World War. Quite amazing really, isn’t it?

In those days, the world was a dangerous place; there were Reds all over the place, trying to steal nuclear bombs and machines that would control the world! I made sure they never managed. I had some pretty hair-raising moments at times, of course, but I came through it all without a scratch. No wonder they’re proud of me!

Do you remember the trouble I had with those dangerous megalomaniacs, like Auric Goldfinger and Dr. No? When I look back on my younger days, I sometimes feel that I’m very lucky to be still alive. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I realise how incredibly lucky I’ve been.

Officially, you know, I’m “licenced to kill”; frankly, I think the job description ought to say “licenced to be killed”; I’ve quite lost count of the number of times I’ve brushed with death. I suppose I must have a charmed life. Maybe it’s something to do with my Scottish ancestry. I know, anyway, that I’m liable to be killed from one day to the next. Any job has its risks, I suppose — and I certainly wouldn’t be seen dead doing a boring job in an office, like some of my superiors. Men from the Ministry! Huh!

Perhaps you’d like to know how to become a secret agent like me? Well, honestly, it’s partly a question ofbackground, partly one of character.

My father was a Scotsman, who loved adventure; unfortunately his life wasn’t as charmed as mine, and he died in a climbing accident when I was 11. That was a tragic moment for me, but I made up my mind to lead the sort of life that would make him proud. Of course, I got a good start. When I was 13, I was sent to school at Eton, England’s most prestigious public school; that’s the place where Prince William and David Cameron both went to school. Half the boys in the school went on to become important people — MP’s, diplomats, top government officials and businessmen and so on, so I got a lot of useful contacts. As for playing cards, well that was strictly forbidden at school, but the less we say about that the better!

My school also helped me move easily in high society; you know, wearing a bow tie and a dinner jacket comes quite naturally to me, as that was more or less our school uniform!

Then of course, there’s one other thing that has enensured my professional success: looks! In the olden days, I always used to say “You can tell an enemy agent a mile off! She’s the most beautiful girl of all.” The idea was quite clever, really. The beautiful girl was meant to seduce me, so that I told her my secrets; the trouble was, in actual fact things usually happened the other way round. I must have broken a lot of hearts!

One day maybe, I’ll retire, and get a knighthood, no doubt. Sir James Bond. Sounds good, doesn’t it!

Well, I’ll leave you now, I’ve got to go over and have a chat with that Daniel Craig fellow over there. You know, he takes my role in the new film . He looks the part, don’t you think! He’s got some Scottish blood! Probably has a charmed life too, like me. Perhaps he can tell me how Hollywood found out what I’ve been up to. I thought my missions were meant to be secret.”

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